1.618033988749894848204586834365638117720309179805

I could just be the imagination of myself.

Thu, 26 Jun 2003 10:02:43 GMT

I have been sleeping for about 14-16 of the hours out of every day recently. Simply out of complete boredom and being lonely. I also find, that every time I sleep now, I have really long and fucked up dreams, and yet every one of them is like a mental orgasm compared to anything that my mind experiences while awake. Some of my dreams are literally so long and vivid that it seems like I dreamed the entire night, and I even have dreams that I continue exactly where I left off from previous nights, even ones that happened weeks earlier(like they are happening as fucking sequels or something). Its almost like they aren't even dreams in that respect, and like they are inserted in sections as my unconscious reality. I sort of feel like that at any time I will wake up in a tank on a bioelectric energy collection tower, and have to rip the plugs from my body. My dreams seem much more realistic, and at the very least, more worthwhile, than what happens when I am awake. When I am awake, my day is just a monotonous, pillaged reality where the only thing that brings me comfort is that time is passing, and that soon my misery may decline and some form of enjoyment will come back into my life. I started a new class on Tuesday that is the last college class I will ever have to take at an undergraduate level. It is called "Argumentation", and is just made to satisfy the university oral competency requirement, but to me seems to lack any reason for me. I flipped through the book, and everything in it, is purely common sense. This class is basically designed so the university can suck more money out of us. The title of one of the chapters in the book as I saw while fliiping through was "Using logic and reasoning in arguments". That is just something that those of us with intelligence accept as pure common sense, and don't need an inane book to tell us. I feel many people with higher than normal potential are just bogged down by this society of much lower standards of human potential, and their life made into something resembling a hell for one who could achieve so much more. I have worked and got a degree in physics, something which a lot of people(most even?) could not do if their life depended on it, and I don't feel that I have been working at even a fraction of my actual potential. Personally, I think the only way I will ever gain any true satisfaction out of life is to do something nobody else has done before. I learn this stuff in school, and think....what is the point? It has all been done before. I see the value of learning things that can lead me to the ultimate goal of defining a new creation, or coalescing a completely new idea, but at this point I don't have any specific goals. My life could go in any possible direction, and I feel like I am at a massive highway interchange without any roadsigns or exit numbers to point the way. Off in the distance I see just a vast expanse of misery surrounding me in all directions, and beyond that...over the horizon...an infinite exapanse of possibilities and futures, and yet I don't seem to be endowed with the means to find the right one for me. Or, more likely there is no "right" or "wrong" future, and it is almost like life gives you a map, but it doesn't include a legend, so that whichever way you choose to go, leads you to an unknown destination. These next five weeks before graduation are just like being permanently stuck in a waiting room, which really gives me great feelings of depression. I hate "waiting" for life to proceed, because I feel like that while I am waiting, life is just passing me by, and I am spending part of the valuable time I have to live doing next to nothing. There is no depressive feelings, or miserable reality of life that could ever, not for even a second, make me unappreciative of the fact that I am able to exist at all. I now have a definite appreciation for some of the very simple things in life. I haven't had a girlfriend in a while, simply because I didn't have the capacity to handle one, or really even the desire to. I really have done a lot of growing up recently from just the sheer overwhelming nature of life. It feels like around 10th grade or so I fell into a coma, and just recently came out of it, and was already grown up. I now have infinite appreciation for how it feels to just hold someone you care about in your arms, and spend that instant of time with them, because even as it moves into the past, that moment can never be taken away from you. I definitely have come to view my entire existence in a different way recently, and it is almost like some of my emotions have been locked away until now. I used to feel mostly just anger and indifference. It is very strange, and I don't know what triggered it, but one night while just laying in my bed, thinking about the way my life is, the possibilities for the future, and the defining moments that are the past, I simply began crying for no reason, and felt an overwhelming love for the magnificence of life itself. I can't even remember the last time I cried before that. When I was a kid, I didn't even really cry when I got hurt. I remember in second grade I fell of my bike, and got a huge gash in my leg. I didn't really cry, or even panic. I felt an anger at myself for falling, but pretty much just calmly walked with my bike to the school, where the crossing guard saw my leg covered in blood, and drove me to my house. I don't recall even feeling much pain, despite that I had a tremendous gash in my leg. I have a about 4 inch scar from where that happened, and every time I look at it, the events of that day come back just as clearly as they were while it was happening. It is amusing how the events in our life which are most painful, and we would probably like to forget, seem to be the ones we remember the easiest, and they seem to have an easier way of defining our character. Thats pretty much all my memory is filled with. I remember very little from my childhood, and the most vivid things are those that were bad memories. It is depressing really, since most of the times that I had the most fun, enjoyment, and happiness, seem to fade away into a large blur. I can remember names, even faces, but most of the events of my past are hard to piece together. The most useless things, are what I can remember the easiest. I still remember my phone number from when I lived with both my parents as a kid, before they got divorced. 793-4851. And yet, remembering what happened on Christmas morning from any of those childhood years is lost into the huge electrical neruo-signal mess that is my human mind. I wish we could somehow store our memories on a hard drive, and then go back and enjoy them. It makes me very sad that we can't, since at the time, I know I didn't appreciate those moments for what they were. And I am not taking about like what people record on a videotape and then watch later, that is just not the same. I am talking enjoying the memory as it was from your perspective, that would be the ultimate invention. Hmm, I guess I will go to sleep. Some of the people in my dreams I don't know who they are, and have never seen them before. Possibly they are people I have yet to meet, or those which I have simply created. It is incredible really, since I have had some highly vivid dreams, where it felt like I was spending real time with these people, but they don't really exist. Some of them I literally could even almost draw a perfect picture of what they looked like after the dream happened. Dreams are to me, the most powerful thing we have. I hope mine are good right now. Goodnight.

Sun, 01 Jun 2003 19:31:59 GMT

This is officially the most boring summer ever. I am so sick of this city, and am overjoyed that I will be graduating in about 8 weeks, so I can get away from this place. I didn't have the luxury of having any summers off in college, and therefore have been here for nearly all of the 4 years. The summers here totally blow since almost everyone leaves, and then I am stuck here pretty much by myself. Not being able to drive this summer just adds even more boredom on top of that.

Wed, 28 May 2003 19:30:05 GMT

I have the urge to go get a gun and just start randomly shooting people.

Sat, 17 May 2003 17:55:54 GMT

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Houston, we have boredom.

Sat, 17 May 2003 17:03:24 GMT

Blah.

Fri, 02 May 2003 02:57:50 GMT

There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with
the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil,
all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward
it, I have now surpassed...My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact I want my pain to be inflicted on
others. I want no escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any
of this. This confession has meant nothing...

I am an exit.

Thu, 17 Apr 2003 05:04:04 GMT

I loathe a world where I can accept misery as commonplace.

Chaos.

Fri, 04 Apr 2003 18:09:23 GMT

Event? Yeah, so...could anything happen now...please?

I don't give a shit.

Wed, 02 Apr 2003 03:30:01 GMT

It is difficult to force myself to believe that this semester is nearly complete already. It really dawned on me since my second midterms are coming all in the next few days. The end of the semester is only about 3-4 weeks away...and I haven't even done one of my advanced physics lab reports yet. It is going to be a total bitch trying to finish them, and keep up with my classes. I think I would feel depressed about the semester ending, were I not about to graduate soon. Actually, I guess I am depressed somewhat that I will be graduating soon, so viewed either way it seems depression results. Sure, when I graduate I will have a B.S. in Physics, but then I have to figure out: (a) where I am going to go after school(which is hard since I can pretty much go anywhere on the whole planet). (b) decide whether to go to grad school, get a job right away, do an internship, or become an educated bum. (c) figure out exactly what field it is that I am interested in pursuing higher-education in or a job in. I will have a degree in physics, but that is not what I think I will pursue. I like physics, but I just don't see myself being a "physicist". I would like a field that maybe uses applications of physics(Like engineering).

I don't really see myself in any field I guess. I assume most people probably don't. I guess my problem with physics is that, sure there are a lot of parts to it that fascinate me(the theory as well as the mathematics involved), but then there are classes like Thermodynamics, which completely bore me. Quantum Theory of Matter B is not nearly as interesting as Quantum A. Quantum B is almost entirely just about approximation techniques applied to various Quantum Mechanical systems that we studied in Quantum A, but the problems are now changed slightly and made more complicated by varying different things in the problem....boring. Hell, I only chose to major in physics because it seemed challenging and interesting, and I was already really good at math, not because it somehow seemed like the specific field for me....that field has continued to elude me.

It sure does not feel like I have been in college for nearly 4 years now. In not much longer than a month I will be 22, my sister will be married, I will be just two easy summer classes away from graduating, and I will have to decide what direction my life will head in next. I guess this is sort of the first time in my life I have ever had to pick a direction for my life to proceed in. Obviously the everyday simple parts of life I pick the direction for all the time, but this is the first time I have ever been at a major crossroads in life and had to make the decision of which way to go all by myself. I miss being a kid, and yet am glad I am not at the same time. Growing up is a total downer.

K

Fri, 07 Feb 2003 03:01:02 GMT

I recently had a dream in which I was walking along some path. I suddenly see something shiny on the ground. I bend down, and it is a bunch of coins. They were about half-doller sized, but that is not what was interesting. One I specifically remember had the year 14999 on it.

So, either I will find a coin that is from the future, be transported to the future and find a coin there, or I will live for at least another 13000 years. I am hoping for myself being transported into the future. I think in the future, machines will probably do most of the "work" for us, especially 13000 years from now. I mean, just look how much of our work machines do already? And that is good. They will have mechanical lab zombies to work in this lab so I can relax and enjoy life while the manmade creations suffer. They will most likely revolt, and well..you have all seen Terminator, or Tron.

t=T/(1-(v/c)^2)^(1/2)
if v>c then the result becomes imaginary, and at v=c; t=T/0=infinite

And the first jolt of electricity went through his body...

Sat, 18 Jan 2003 03:21:32 GMT

Nothing going on really. That girl did end up calling me, but was supposed to call me back so we could do something, but didn't. I hate long waits. I am almost ready to find out her number from a friend, since I forgot to get it while talking to her before. I actually thought I saw her today in the student union, but wasn't sure it was her(The person had sort of a hat thing on that somewhat obscured their face from my viewpoint.) Anyway, I am still bugged about if that was her or not. Oh well, back to zoning out. 101 minutes until freedom.

Wed, 15 Jan 2003 03:41:14 GMT

Which Angelina Are You?

In 8,580 seconds, the zombie will revert into a human being...

Wed, 15 Jan 2003 02:40:33 GMT

**Steve Irwin Voice** G'day. The Lab Zombie is a mysterious creature, with a clearly pointless and tortured existence. Lab Zombies are an incredibly lethargic species. In fact, they are so incredibly lazy that it is amazing that they even put forth the effort to breathe, or that their hearts even pump blood through their veins. The main prey that the Lab Zombie consumes is the Moronic Lab User. Moronic Lab Users have the incredible ability to be completely oblivious to even the most basic(monkey knowledge) functions of the computer, such as even turning them off and on. They also have an incredible self-preservatory mechanism which allows them to ask the most obvious-answered, mind-numbing, thought-leaching infinitely inane questions. Fortunately Lab Zombies develop an immunity to the plague that is the idiotic lab user question.
The primary land predator of the Lab Zombie, is the fierce HP Laserjet. With its ink filled container glands, molded plastic exoskeletal armor, and its projectile launcher firing out rolled wood fiber pulp ammunition, the HP Laserjet is possibly the most efficient predatorial beast ever crafted by the tyrannous gods that so infinitely loathe our somewhat incredibly pathetic existence. Fortunately for the Lab Zombie, these seemingly relentless killing machines have an exploitable Achilles' heel..It is that occasionally a cartridge of rolled wood fiber pulp becomes lodged inside its spool controlled barrel chamber, and thereby all its menacing components are rendered thoroughly useless. When in this weakened condition however, it emits an optical orange pulse of light from its light emitting diode which is intended to mesmerize any Lab Zombies that would attack it in its helpless form. Well, thats the end of our little adventure into the world of the Lab Zombie, for now. Stay tuned next week, where we will discuss the most highly inane creatures on the entire planet, the people who oversee the Computer Lab, such as the Lab Monitor Matriarch. **Steve Irwin Voice**

Sooo...bored...

Well, by inspection, this is clearly the answer by pure symmetry.....

Sat, 11 Jan 2003 20:56:22 GMT

Fuck.

I think I can..I think I can said the little engine.....

Wed, 08 Jan 2003 01:37:11 GMT

Yeah, so...not a whole lot going on. I think I am nearly over the virus of death that began afflicting me on Thursday. Food still looks somewhat unappetizing to me after seeing what it looks like coming out of your throat throughout my weekend. I am still waiting for this girl to call me. Yeah, I know..I should have just gotten her number..but she asked for mine, so I didn't think about it. I am still assuming she will call, but waiting just sucks. I actually used to date her a long time ago, but we could never see each other since neither of us had cars, so we decided it was fairly pointless to keep going out, even though we did get along great. I ran into her at a New Year's Eve party, and she told me that she goes to FSU also, and had heard that I went here. We were then together pretty much the whole night after that. Anyway, enough about real life.....I am going to go back to being a lab zombie now. Cheers.

Goodbye Finals, Hello Getting fucked up waves.

Sat, 14 Dec 2002 04:49:17 GMT

Wir sind alle Werkzeuge der Maschinen.

All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.

Thu, 12 Dec 2002 23:40:55 GMT

All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.

All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.

All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.

All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.

All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.
All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.

All study and mno slepp make tom gopo crazy
all study and nom sleep make tom go crazy
alkl study and no sleep make tom fgo crazy

...

Mon, 09 Dec 2002 09:22:24 GMT

I think everyone is inspired to hate me. I am not sure why.

Hes drinkin' a beer!

Mon, 09 Dec 2002 08:38:03 GMT

Ahhhhh....alcohol....a substance allowing you to drown your troubles in it. Yes, holding the heads of your troubles underneath this wonderful substance until they begin to squirm frantically as their lungs attempt to intake alcohol, tis' a wonderful feeling. The power of drunk yields to the individual the power to transcend this blighted existence of impending depression, and enter a purely fictional world of eternal non-caringness. Not that I care all that much in the realm of sober, but...well I have lost my point(that would imply I had one in the first place i guess!). I am finally finished with my physics laboratory class. I feel relief. I mean, don't get me wrong, it isn't that learning about the hysteresis loops of ferromagnetic substances is not fascinating or anything......yeah, I am a bad liar. Well my point here appears to be shifting, so I will now focus all of my energy into consuming alcohol, for I can feel the sober world impinging on the dimension of inebriation.

Juice coffins. The wave of the future?

Sat, 07 Dec 2002 14:06:40 GMT

The only thing better than driving to work still drunk from almost an entire bottle of Rum the previous night, is driving to work drunk while drinking juice boxes. A fitting description would be that they are godlike. They taste like milk from the tit of a god crammed into a tiny box, are impossible to spill unless you are retarded, and you get to stab the straw in! It is once again Saturday, so I resume my lab zombie role for 12 hours. The printer's rollers making that squeaking noise, the computer fans buzzing softly, the stupid user questions, the horrible horrible pixels. I can't wait. *retreats into hoodie*

Fuck.

Tue, 03 Dec 2002 05:42:29 GMT

Yeah, so once again Monday sent me into a purely lethargic state. I skipped Quantum Theory, E&M, and Optics. I really have done pretty much nothing all day. I did at least go do my last interm. physics lab of the semester. The only thing left is the lab report, which made me sit in front of my computer in order to begin it. I have been sitting in front of this computer for about 5 hours now. Have not even really been doing anything at all, much less a lab report, and just staring at the 786432 bits of color that are slowly but surely hypnotizing me into a stupor. Sleep or Lab Report. They seem to even out when put on my scale of things I feel like doing. I guess that is because I don't really care.

We are all dead, and this is hell.

Tue, 03 Dec 2002 03:11:33 GMT

Welcome to the most boring journal entry ever molded by mankind.

1.618033988749894848204586834365638117720309179805

I could just be the imagination of myself.

Houston, we have boredom.

Chaos.

I don't give a shit.

K

And the first jolt of electricity went through his body...

In 8,580 seconds, the zombie will revert into a human being...

Well, by inspection, this is clearly the answer by pure symmetry.....

I think I can..I think I can said the little engine.....

Goodbye Finals, Hello Getting fucked up *waves*.

All study and no sleep make tom go crazy.

...

Hes drinkin' a beer!

Juice coffins. The wave of the future?

Fuck.

We are all dead, and this is hell.

Goodbye Finals, Hello Getting fucked up waves.